Director of Senior Rugby Discovers 1st XV on Orange Squash
22/09/06
I’m still bemused as to what the Director of Senior Rugby is supposed to do. There is a strong chance that my brain probably can’t or won’t function as it should, due to the incessant battering it took as a player. I was simply never quick enough or intelligent enough to get out of the way in time, and so I assume there is long term damage, probably not helped by the number of sherberts I have consumed in the years since my playing days sadly drew to a close.
That of course is something else, the years, which now number twenty seven since I last pulled on a pair of boots as a player, in 1979, and yes I did play for West Norfolk 2nd XV on that last occasion. Come to think of it only Russ Marchant and Dickie Waterfield out of our current backs were born then. I was sick on the referee’s boots, and had to leave the field in disgrace – what an end!!
I was trying to coach the Club 1st XV at the time, you’d think we would both have learned by now, but the 1st XV full back was one John Moses, who was all of fourteen and a half!! I mean for goodness sake, 1st XV rugby at that tender age, no health and safety in the workplace then!! No child protection officers, nothing, and I can tell you he was a star, [ He told me to write that!!], despite the fact that an Irish doctor friend said he had the worst knees he’d ever seen on a rugby player, and he should quit immediately!! Thank goodness doctors can be wrong, as I know myself having played for 6 weeks with a broken arm, because they had read the wrong x-rays at the hospital. No it wasn’t here!!
It does however p---s me off when certain elderly, and very young props, no names no pack drill, but one shares a surname with Matt, ex England scrum half, and the other looks like the King of Siam’s bodyguard in the movie “Anna and the King”. They have both asked me if I was playing when a drop goal was worth four points!! No I b-----y wasn’t, but I was playing when they allowed you to kick out on the full, outside the twenty five, - yes I was playing before metrication, and I fear decimalisation!!
So what is my role as Director of Senior Rugby? Whilst racking my scrambled eggs[brains] to work it out, I looked back to the last two seasons, to see what I did then, and realised that my main functions as Coach were to referee touch rugby and rugby basketball at what passed for training whilst ensuring total fairness from 50 yards[does anyone in the club know what a yard is!!] away. This was good practice for the lads, with some of the refereeing decisions we were to face. But my main role seemed to be water carrier, touch judge, first aider, dental advisor, pilot of the players’ private jet with world class navigation system, and chauffer to the club’s only supporter at away matches, one Alexander Smith.
Anyway to fast forward to this season, my obviously great age has helped me to find some roles as Director of Senior Rugby, and it seems to have very little to do with the playing side of the club, although I have already discovered that I am a lucky mascot. After all I go to a wedding last Saturday, and miss my first game of the season, when the 1st XV played Wisbech, and look what happened when I let you out on your own. So whether you like it or not I shall be at Wymondham on Saturday where I carry out another of my functions, which is to fetch jugs of orange – jugs of orange, I can’t believe it. Most of the guys I played with are probably dead by now, but they will be spinning in their graves, our warm up, actually come to think of it, our warm up consisted of running on the spot in the dressing room, a couple of pints, a fag, and a visit to the smallest room in the pavilion. No self respecting player would dream of drinking orange before or after. Another thing is lager, even worse lager tops, what happened to bitter guys, a man’s drink. Ten pints on a Friday, and then some serious drinking after the match, I’m also worried you’ll all be eating pasta next, and taking Clive Woodward seriously!!
Another role I seem to have somehow inherited is press officer, so if you are one of the whingers in the forum, I’d be more than delighted to have your post 2nd’s or 3rd’s match input. You can even send it anonymously, I find that works well!! [ian@snet21.net] To be serious for a second, the more match reports you send me the fairer article I can write. I only found out this week, that Paul Denton declared himself man of the match for the seconds and he wasn’t even playing, mind you perhaps he had a point.
We do have good captains in Paul with the 2nds, and Simon Stephenson in the 3rds even if I did write Paul’s number down instead of Simon’s, just to add a bit of confusion this week on the selections and confirmation sheets.
As you might gather I’m still celebrating the safe arrival of my third grandson, I’ve now got my back three in the family side sorted. No I don’t intend to be the prop!!
All three of the club sides have started well, we need to keep that up, to show we are on the right road, under our fantastic coaching team of Chris and Keith.
I hope we will see many supporters at Wymondham this Saturday KO 3pm, if you can’t travel come up to the club and support the 2nds.
